By Ron Johnson
Straight out of the gate, Team Collision unveiled their first list of the 2023 season following a Monday night that saw several teams make a huge statement in their season openers, several teams not even show up (looking at you Giants) and the quickest start and departure in recent NFL memory.
Here now is the first official List of Collision from the season premiere of NFL Aftermath.
NOTE: Captain’s List (Reese’s List)
32) New York Giants (NY Giants): No brainer. Zero offense. Zero defense. Zero points. First recipient of this year’s Dummy Award of the season.
31) Cincinnati Bengals (Cincinnati): All the hype over Burrows’ contract and what does he do in the first game of the year? Not much to get excited about in our opinion.
30) Pittsburgh Steelers (Pittsburgh): The Steelers could not stop the potent offense of the Niners and left their fans feeling massive pain after Sunday. And they got a Monday night game vs. the Browns next.
29) Tennessee Titans (Houston Texans): Our first differential rank, the Titans were chosen due to Ryan Tannehill being Ryan Tannehill with three picks in a game they should have won. As for the Texans, it’s pretty simple: New Coach. New Quarterback. New Era. Same results.
28) Buffalo Bills (Carolina Panthers): Josh Allen looked like garbage after righting the ship with Diggs. But those three picks cost the Bills a Monday night game…against the Rodgers-less Jets. The Panthers could not stop the Bijan-Ridder Express, and Bryce Young did not look like the savior he was touted to be when he was drafted.
27) Houston Texans (Seattle Seahawks): The Texans got a gift from The Captain due in large part to a few performances on Sunday afternoon coupled with the Giants performance Sunday night and the Bills on Monday night. The Seahawks looked flat in the second half against the Rams, and their actions in the second half had more than just the fans booing their performance.
26) Carolina Panthers (Tennessee Titans): Not in the mood to regurgitate what was already said. Both teams were bad, but we couldn’t agree on which was worse.
25) Chicago Bears (Buffalo Bills): The Bears thought that with Rodgers gone, maybe Justin Fields would be able to own the Packers. They thought wrong. Despite the lackluster performance against the Jets, the Bills were not the worst team out of week one.
24) Minnesota Vikings (Arizona Cardinals): The Vikings had multiple chances to take down the GOAT-less Bucs but could not solve the Baker Puzzle in time to secure the win. As for the Cardinals had the victory but were unable to stop the new regime of the Commanders.
23) Arizona Cardinals (Denver Broncos): The Cardinals lost another one, but they showed promise in the absence of Kyler Murray. The Broncos continue to be unlimited diarrhea, as their kicking game was abysmal…even with Sean Payton as their coach.
22) Los Angeles Chargers (Minnesota Vikings): The Chargers started off bad as they not only lost their home opener but also lost Austin Ekeler for their matchup with the Titans. Kirk Cousins was not as icy as last season, but then again, didn’t last year start out the same way for Minnesota???
21) Denver Broncos (Chicago Bears): The Broncos could not take down Jimmy G in the Mile High City, but the loss was not completely on them. The Bears showed promise but not enough promise to reclaim their ownership from the Packers.
20) New England Patriots (New England): They had the defending NFC Champs against the ropes but could not avoid the Wrath of Slay forever. Patriots not only lost the game, but they also happen to lose it while the GOAT was in the suite celebrating his salute from the fans.
19) Seattle Seahawks (Kansas City Chiefs): The Seahawks started off hot but apparently left their talent in the locker room in the second half. The Chiefs showed that you cannot just rely on one person (Kelce) to lead you to the promised land. And Kadarius toney might want to avoid everyone until he gets his hands right.
18) New Orleans Saints (Indianapolis Colts): The Derek Carr Era started off with a one-point win against the Titans. A win is a win…but not in New Orleans. The Colts did what the Colts have done for seasons: Big Promise leading to Big Disappointment.
17) Indianapolis Colts (LA Chargers): The Colts lost the game, but they held their own before their rookie quarterback went down with them driving to the endzone. The Chargers have to feel bad about the fact that they let a healthy Tua and faster Cheetah shock them in their own backyard.
16) Kansas City Chiefs (NO Saints): The Chiefs are still the champs, but they did not look like the Champs on Thursday night. The Saints won…but if they wanted one-point wins all season, they would’ve started Jameis Winston.
15) Vegas Raiders (Vegas): Jimmy G did enough to get the W in Denver. But does this performance say more about Jimmy G or more about Josh McDaniels as a head coach?
14) Baltimore Ravens (Tampa Bay Bucs): The Ravens dominated the Texans only to lose JK Dobbins for the year. Baker Mayfield wanted to be a starter and proved he can be after a win on the road against the Vikings.
13) Green Bay Packers (Washington Commanders): The post-Rodgers era started off hot for the Packers as Jordan Love took command in every sense of the word with Aaron Jones picking up where he left off last season…only to get hurt. The Commanders bent but refused to break as they defeated the Cardinals in their season opener under their new regime.
12) Atlanta Falcons (Detroit Lions): The Falcons gave Desmond Ridder the keys to the kingdom, and he did not disappoint with a season opening win over the Panthers. Detroit has now defeated two future hall of fame quarterbacks in their last two games. This includes a win over the champs in their banner celebration on Thursday night.
11) Washington Commanders (NY Jets): The Commanders showed that Dan Snyder was the reason for their misery as they played as a team from start to finish. It was sloppy, but it was still a win. The Jets rallied from the loss of Rodgers and earned the win in overtime over the Bills.
10) Philadelphia Eagles (Philly): The Eagles started their quest for another Super Bowl by surviving the Patriots on Tom Brady Appreciation Day. They got another one in the face of Brady who was possibly fielding phone calls from the Jets after Monday night.
9) Jacksonville Jaguars (Atlanta Falcons): The Jags started their defense of the AFC South with a win in a nailbiter against the Colts. The Falcons showed that they are ready to take over the wide-open NFC South.
8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Cleveland Browns): Baker Mayfield kept ready so he wouldn’t have to get ready against the Vikings. The Browns dominated the Bengals from start to finish in the Cleveland rain, and Myles Garrett did what he did best to finish things off against Cincinnati.
7) New York Jets (Baltimore Ravens): The Jets lost Aaron Rodgers after four plays, then bounced back in overtime to defeat the Bills on a Devin Hester-like punt return. The Ravens got the win, but Odell was not much of a factor since it was the Houston Texans.
6) Miami Dolphins (LA Rams): The Dolphins won a shootout against the Chargers, culminating it with a pair of sacks to end the game. The Rams looked almost complete with the absence of Kupp and showing that they are on the road to regaining their identity with a win over Seattle.
5) Cleveland Browns (San Francisco 49ers): The Browns got a huge win on home turf over the most dominant team in the division. Picking up huge withdrawals from the Burrow-Chase Accounts. The Niners picked up where they left off with a convincing win over the lowly Steelers. Purdy is possibly back in full swing. We’ll see how this works Sunday against the Rams.
4) San Francisco Niners (Jacksonville Jaguars): The Niners are looking to finally get over the NFC Championship hump as they have lost the last two. Beating the Steelers is a start, but let’s see how they do against the Rams. The Jags got the win against a game Colts team. Can they keep it up with the Champs coming up next?
3) Los Angeles Rams (Miami Dolphins): The Rams are not all the way there, but Kyren Williams has them thinking they can win a few games this season. The Dolphins are 100% healthy and 100% ready for the madness of the AFC East. And with Rodgers out of it, they look to be the top team in the division.
2) Dallas Cowboys (Green Bay Packers): The Cowboys shut out the Giants on their own homefield. Next week, they get to entertain the Jets. Not exactly the game we expected with Rodgers out for the season. Jordan Love got Packers Country smiling big with his performance on Sunday.
1) Detroit Lions (Dallas Cowboys): The Lions just defeated the defending champs on Thursday night. Despite the Cowboys’ performance on Sunday night, that pales in comparison to the Lions taking down two top-tier quarterbacks (Rodgers & Mahomes) in impressive fashion. Cowboys looked complete on Sunday night, but what will happen when they collide with the Niners?