Published by: AK98
If you haven’t heard of Boxing Day, go look it up. I’ve even been nice enough to hyperlink you the wikipedia page so you can read up on the history of this post-Christmas holiday. It’s worth a quick browse.
And if you really want me to do a write-up on the history of Boxing Day, I’ll do it. But you have to hit me up on social media to do so.
I am here to update you on the latest happenings of the NFL Playoffs. The twists and turns of Week 16 have resulted in some eye-opening playoff scenarios. The reshaping the landscape is not a finished product, especially as teams jostle for position:
Week 16 Takeaways:
- The Baltimore Ravens teabagged the San Francisco 49ers on Christmas Day. Rumor has it Niners quarterback Brock Purdy received diapers in his stocking.
- The last time the Detroit Lions clinched the NFC North, Dave Chappelle was C-list celebrity, starring in the Mel Brooks classic, Robin Hood: Men in Tights. On Sunday, the Lions celebrated their first division title since 1993.
- The Miami Dolphins successfully defended their home turf by downing the Dallas Cowboysin Miami, validating their status as a Top Gun of the NFL.
- Joe Flacco is a thing again. And hell is reporting snowstorms.
- The South hasn’t been this bad since the Civil War. But which NFL Division is worse? I’m leaning AFC, but feel free to plead your case.
The NFL Playoff Picture looks like this:
- Brock Purdy’s performance against the Ravens, marred by his four interceptions, has likely steered the MVP conversation away from him, labeling him a “system quarterback” for the foreseeable future.
- The Ravens, after their impressive Christmas performance, are on track to secure home-field advantage throughout the playoffs if they can triumph over the Miami Dolphins in Week 17.
- The Dallas Cowboys, following consecutive December defeats (losing out on the chance to lock up the NFC East, and potentially, home-field advantage throughout the playoffs), have reminded everybody who the Cowboys of the 21st Century are: Choke Artists. I’m sure Hunter Biden could get them a pretty good price on their artwork.
- The Philadelphia Eagles, despite securing a win against the New York Giants, have left their fans with mixed feelings, igniting debates about the future roles of Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirianni. In other news, Philadelphia finds new ways to be hateful.
- The Buffalo Bills are approaching a Wild-Card berth, but the New England Patriots have something to say about that. Their AFC East rival would love nothing more than to give them a nice shitburger to eat.
- The Pittsburgh Steelers are on the verge of celebrating yet another non-losing season, while also being the worst looking team to ever have a winning record…again.
- Kansas City Chiefs lose to the Las Vegas Raiders. Let me repeat that. Patrick Mahomes, Travis Swift, and the KC Chiefs lost to the LV Raiders. Is Taylor Swift the Yoko Ono of the NFL?
- The Seattle Seahawks could potentially secure a playoff spot, if their city doesn’t burn down first. Rumor is, opposing teams are complaining about the “methy/burning pill” smell that emanates from its citizens.
- Somehow, some way, the Chicago Bears still hold a mathematical chance at making the playoffs. In other news, Joe Biden is looking to have the Bears campaign for him in 2024.
- The Denver Broncos, after their loss to the Patriots, face a season of speculation and rumors about the future of Sean Payton and Russell Wilson and Ciara. I may get in trouble for this, because rumor is Ciara is not a fan of the media saying the word “future” AND her husband’s name in the same sentence. But can you say, “Atlanta”?
- The Atlanta Falcons, having yet to read any of my work, are still clueless to the knowledge that Ciara is “Hip-Hop & Hollywood” material and craves a return to the “Black Mecca”. Atlanta is best-known for its strip clubs, scam artists, terrible football teams, and wayward entertainers looking to up their street cred. Though, it would be nice for Ciara’s kid to be near her absentee father,rap-crooner/baby-daddy Future.
- The Green Bay Packers narrowly avoided playoff elimination thanks to victories by the Rams and Seahawks. In other news, Michael Jordan is looking to strip his name from the Packers’ starting quarterback.
- The Cincinnati Bengals, despite an early-season slump, are still in the hunt, even without key players like Ja’Marr Chase & Joe Burrow. Rumor is, a Bengals’ scout also sent Patrick Mahomes a reel of all the blown calls in their games favoring the NFL darling as a Christmas present. No report on his reaction, but I’m guessing he threw a temper tantrum.
- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are in a position to clinch the NFC South with a win against the New Orleans Saints in Week 17. And just like that, Baker Mayfield will be in every insurance commercial for the next year.
Which of my “outlooks” seem most accurate to you?
Feel free to roast these chestnuts, either in the section below or join the conversation on social media: