By Earl Jenkins, Jr.
There’s a new Cowboys season on that daggum horizon, and it is time for all the other teams to step aside and make room for the greatest team in the world! No, it ain’t dem clowns from that Show Me State (learn how to drive already!), and it ain’t that team from Way Off Area (ya’ll quarterback is trash)! It fer sure ain’t dem frauds from up north that we share a roof with sometimes…
2023: The Year of the Cowboys
According to my John Deere calendar, it be 2023, which by default is The Year of the Cowboys! Ya’ll heard it here first: this the year we take our rightful spot atop the throne we never gave up in the 90s! We always been that team, and we gonna run roughshod over everyone. We gonna go 17-0 in the regular, 3-0 in the playoffs and hoist up that silver trophy (which should be named the Jimmy Johnson Trophy) for the 6th Time!
Contrary to what that guy on the metal box keep saying, we will dominate from day one. As a lifelong Cowboys fan, it is my job to cheer our boys on. If Zeke had learned to block, we coulda won that game in the Way Off Area last season. We are the elite (no too sweet needed)! ‘M&M’ Mike McCarthy will bring dat trophy home to us, and it will never leave us again!
My cuzins agree with that guy Ryan Clark when he said, Bottom line is this: Dak Prescott will be better this year, the Dallas Cowboys will be better this year. The Dallas Cowboys have a chance to not only have the best defense in the NFC, they have a chance to have the best defense in the entire NFL. (Lemoncelli, 2023)
And leave it to that bald fanboy Stephen A to throw rain on our thunder: “If the nuclear bomb dropped, it’s rats, roaches and Cowboys fans.” (Lemoncelli, 2023) How dare he call us rats and roaches?! We walk on two legs…well some of us do. Grampa Abe still tryna recover from that last trip to Mexico when he visited something called a donkey show. He ain’t been right since that day. Dey still ain’t found dat donkey either.
Speakin’ of donkeys…
And then there’s that guy who has all the hair colors we was gonna sign. I heard my sister-cuzin say he look like Dennis Rodman. Oh yeah, Odell Beckham or whatever he calls himself these days. We thought he was gonna be smart and sign with us. He woulda been finer than a new set of John Deere Tractor tires…or so I thought. Then he goes and says he thinking this his last year, that he gonna give it his all…and then goes sign with some Maryland Crows?! Wasn’t he just a Sheep in Los Angeles a few years ago?!
Hold on….I got ma tryna to ask me something….no ma, tell him to take my id, go down to the one stop and get me a new six-pack. I git he 12, but he shoulda not drank my last one!
Ok. I’m back! Who else need to git it?! Let’s talk bout our defense! I git our defense looked off last year, but it ain’t they fault. It was dem zebras. If dem zebras knew they ain’t s’pose to throw dey yeller towels on us, we woulda won more games last year. But now dat we saved Josh Butler and took him to dat conversion pond to DELETE any stench of Michigan and USFL (wherever that is) from his soul, he wears that star with pride and will make Pa Jerry proud.
I may not be making much sense to you ‘edumacated’ folks out there, but the only thing ya’ll need to understand is that Dallas is gon win dat Super Bowl, get dat sixth ring, go undefeated and own the NFL forever. If ya’ll disagree, then dagnabbit, you ain’t ‘Merican! Ya’ll need to be as ‘Merican as apple pie, as ‘Merican as French fries, as ‘Merican as the Dallas Cowboys! Don’t ya’ll be expectin’ any movin’ pics showing us look’n dumb, cuz they ain’t gon be none. All ya’ll gon see is ‘Merica’s team poundin’ shine and doin’ hoedowns in dem paved dirt roads while celebratin’ a rebirth of THE dynasty.
I grabbed myself one of dem big books with words to write those big words in dis here piece.
Now while my young’un gives my pickup a push so I can start it up fer him to get my six-pack, I gonna tell you this fer the last time: My John Deere calendar ain’t lied in 40 years, and it ain’t lyin’ now. When it sez that this the year of the greatest gift to mankind, aka my Dallas Cowboys, then dagnabbit, this is when it gon happen. Come January 2024, not only will we have our President back in dat big white house, but we gon have our team, ‘Merica’s Team, back on top of dat high hill behind my shack!
We gon win it all. And we don’t give a hoot if you a Eagle, a Cheesehead, a arrow or red letter, ya’ll gon fall to the mighty Cowboys! Nothin’ gon stop us now! We got Dak, TP, CD (the only CD dat is reliable) and our D is on point. Just tell dem zebras to know dey role and shut dey mouths!
Git ready for six rings…cuz THIS GON BE OUR YEAR!