How Early Is TOO EARLY To Be Hypnotized By Christmas?

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An Uncle Rico Production

Imagine you are watching the classic Michael Myers slasher film “Halloween” on basic cable when it cuts to a commercial break. All of a sudden, some chubby popstar or aging actress pops up on your screen wearing flannel pajamas. With her is a gaggle of pre-pubescent dancers in Christmas themed onesies who are dancing in the background. It cuts to jovial teens & twenty-somethings who seem to be having the best time of their lives, surrounded by reds & splashes of green. Then the famous one tries to sell you a scarf.

What is your initial reaction?

Do you immediately fill with Christmas cheer, as you have just confirmed it’s the start of the Holiday Season!? 

If you’re like me, your mind swirls as it begins to piece together your Christmas “To Do” list. We start to conceptualize your XMas light display, gifts for loved ones, & which holiday movies we’ll be watching first, down to the order. Do we go alphabetically? Do we go by theme or story? Do we watch each adaptation of each Christmas story translated & retranslated throughout the centuries?

Did we just get the green light to switch over to ALL Christmas music ALL the time?

For those of you who are Christmas whores like myself, you appreciate this type of behavior, knowing now that you are not alone. Christmas can never come too early. It is people like us who invented “XMas in July” in an effort to swindle people into a mid-year Christmas celebration. Some think it’s just an excuse to dress up in winter clothing that looks like Christmas vomited all over it.

For others, it’s an excuse to make bad decisions under the guise of “Christmas Cheer.” But we all know why this summer festivity exists. It’s so we few adult Christmas fanatics can get our seasonal fix. Just a little taste; an our d’oeuvre before the winter feast.

While being head-over-heels for Christmas, I can also recognize that not everybody feels the same. Some of you hate Christmas music. Others hate the penetrating gloom the season brings, reminding them how alone they are. Some hate Santa, feeling he plays favorites; rewarding rich brats & troublemakers while punishing the well-behaved poor kids.

Unfortunately, they have a point. And some just flat out hate being happy, preferring to live in a state of misery where they play victim & complain about everything they don’t have while actively trying to take away happiness from others. Because, as they say, misery loves company. But, if you are, in fact, one of those perennial miserable assholes, I can understand why you wouldn’t want people rubbing their happiness in your face. “Bah humbug” to that. 

Now, I 100% DO NOT SUPPORT these new age “progressive” movements trying to cancel Christmas. It has become this new fad amongst the most aggressive democrats in the public sector, years in the making. Take last year for example. Liberal heads of King County, WA (the county where Seattle resides) banned any sort of religious iconography to be used by its employees.

That included any trinkets that might be visible in one’s home while on a Zoom call. While calling Republicans “conspiracy theorists” on one hand, they wave in vitriol of Christmas being a holiday conjured up by evil white conservatives, in an effort to oppress blahblahblah.

Sorry. Their shit is so tired, I couldn’t make it through the full sentence.

Want more examples? Look no further than Wauwatosa, WI. 

Christmas

Recently, “Wauwa” canceled the use of the term “snowman,” rebranding it “snowpeople” in a inclusivity virtue signal of epic proportions. Because how dare Frosty not immediately identify as non-binary! I suppose Wauwa deputy city administrator Melissa Cantarero Weiss also hates the Disney winter blockbuster “Frozen.” Just imagine Anna singing the remix, “Do you want to build a snowpeople?” 

I swear to God, if you correct me by saying “it would actually be ‘snowperson’”…

And the examples keep pouring in, as America continues to elevate people who use language like “oppressive male patriarch institutions.”  Somehow, we have turned excessively into a society of “if I can’t have it my way, then no one can have it at all.” I can guarantee that next week, we will see “Free Thanksgiving, Decolonize America” signs donned by the fanatical purple haired & nose-ringed, #BLM sympathizing, democratic socialist protesters of the #freepalestine movement; the ones currently flooding every major city & college campus with violence & aggression. The ones defacing our national monuments. Yes, those ones.

Christmas

Christmas was supposed to be one of the few times of year that we could have prolonged peace. I mean, for pity’s sake, warring enemies literally call for a momentary truce to allow for Christmas to be celebrated. It’s one of the few times of year when we are encouraged to think about others, especially the disadvantaged & destitute.

The amount of assets & resources wasted by governments (at all levels) to have special consultants provide them with “pathways to a completely non-denominational, all inclusive, non-offensive holiday season,” littered with purple & white lights and poly-Scrooges, is a complete joke. People wasting time being offended by the colors red & green is an abysmal mismanagement of public funds. Think how many people could be helped, if, instead of spending the money on woke policies, we spent the money on actual people in need?

I understand that people (like companies) get to check a box on their altruism bingo card if they cancel Christmas in lue of a Juneteenth celebration (true story), but can’t just one thing be left untouched by these people?

So, to answer the original question, there is no such thing as “celebrating Christmas too early.” And if someone tries to refer to Christmas as “Winter Festivus” just be grateful knowing that you will never be that empty & dead inside. And maybe shoot a prayer that person’s way, asking their self-hatred to quell, blooming a happier, less offended person.

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