By Bear Acuda
If you are reading this specifically because you saw Die Hard at the top and thought, “Hell yeah! Finally, someone who gets that Die Hard is the greatest Xmas movie of all-time,” then, I apologize for you being an idiot. Of course Die Hard is not the greatest Christmas movie ever. But bless your heart for such a commitment to John McClane. If only his wife would’ve done the same.
Too soon?
Everybody has a different interpretation of what makes a good holiday movie. Some prefer action, while others prefer comedy. Some prefer fantasy, while others may prefer messaging. One thing that we can all agree on, is there is a Christmas movie for every type.
With that being said, here are my Top 10 Christmas Movies of All-Time:
*And if you disagree, feel free to enjoy the complimentary shots of Lindsey Lohan doing “Jingle Bell Rock”, from the movie Mean Girls.
10. Klaus
Klaus is the newest nominee to the CSU (Christmas Story Universe), which usually gives it an automatic deduction (because people who try to fix something that isn’t broken tend to make it worse). Instead, Klaus manages to tell a new interpretation of an old classic without injecting it with some woke crap that movie studios can’t seem to get away from (*see The Santa Clauses). Maybe you like your movies injecting some sort of politically driven socioeconomic gaslighting, and that’s cool, but it’s not for me. So, if you’re like me, this hidden gem is a pleasant holiday surprise.
9. Polar Express
Most people can agree, the Polar Express is a winner. It’s a great holiday movie, with CGI & classic holiday themes that have stood the test of time. It’s entertaining for all ages & you won’t have to preview it before you show it to your kids. Adults know, that is a plus.
8. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Classical. Claymation. Masterpiece. This is an OG of the CSU. It’s not quite Iron Man or Captain America, but definitely a Wolverine of the X-Mas (if you don’t get that joke, then have a friend explain it to you). This movie came out in the 60’s and yet it is still a staple of primetime television the weekend before Christmas. My Christmas is not complete without Yukon Cornelius.
7. Just Friends
If you haven’t seen this Ryan Reynolds/Anna Farris/Chris Klein/Amy Smart masterclass of holiday hilarity, then I pity you…and you need to stream it IMMEDIATELY. Words can’t describe the ridiculousness that is Samantha Jane, nor can they properly do justice to the works of Dusty Dingleman (aka Dusty Lee). My gift to you is reminding you to watch this. You’re welcome.
6. A Christmas Carol
Done by the same guy that brought you The Polar Express & Back To The Future (Robert Zemeckis), the Jim Carrey version of this tale does not disappoint. There have been many other actors who’ve given Scrooge their own variation, but something about the animated version allows for an imaginative adventure. It’s from the era of “Old Disney”, when they cared more about entertainment than messaging specifically to progressives. Basically, back when they were worth a damn.
5. Home Alone
Many adults once loved this movie, but now hate it (due to the amount of times they’ve seen it, either by choice or, now, by their childrens). That being said, a holiday isn’t a holiday without a little mischief from Kevin McCallister, and a little older brother bullying from Buzz. This movie is still a treasure, and always will be. Plus, Maestro John Williams created another soundtrack for my life, this time for the holidays. You may know John from his other works, having done the score for Star Wars, Jaws, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones…basically every time the music in a movie gave you feelz, it was this legend.
4. How The Grinch Stole Christmas
Jim Carrey, and only Jim Carrey, could bring Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch to life. Now, the classic animated version holds its weight, similar to Rudolph, but seeing the world of Dr. Seuss come to life with Ace Ventura at the helm was the best decision for movie studios trying to bring the Xmas legacy to a modern audience. Just look at the opposite reaction. You get a piece of crap version from the Despicable Me guys with Dr. Strange as The Grinch. Big thumbs down.
3. White Christmas
Watching a WWII vet turn crooning playboy (Bing Crosby) attempt to help his old Army general resurrect a ski chalet that has fallen on hard times, all surrounding the Christmas season, was, and still is, a gift to the CSU. Ole Bing even has time to carve out some time for love. It’s got vintage musical numbers that make you want to “count your blessings.” It’s a must watch; a reminder of what we used to value in this country.
2. Santa Clause
No, I’m not talking about the Indian food diarrhea filled diaper that came out the last two years on Disney+. I’m talking about the original 1994 classic; sensing the theme yet? This movie was peak Tim Allen, piggybacking off his ultra-successful sitcom Home Improvement. Adults can appreciate Allen’s adult humor while kids can get lost in imagining what Santa’s Workshop & the North Pole really look like. If you don’t get a feeling of Christmas when watching this movie, it’s probably because you’ve been beaten-down so badly by life that you’re just perma-miserable. This movie should give the feels to all who watch it. Even if it’s like the 100th time.
1. It’s A Wonderful Life (Black & White Version)
If you don’t get FEELZ by the end of this film, you may need to go back to your programmer and tell them they have not scratched the surface of human emotion, because clearly you are a robot. This is a Christmas Tale with some chops. Everybody can relate to sacrificing (at your expense), for the benefit of others. We have all, from one time or another, put our goals or dreams on the back-burner so someone else can have a chance. There is more heart and reality (while being fantastic, in nature) in this tale of humanity, set to the backdrop of Christmas, than any holiday movie ever. If I had but one Christmas movie to watch once a year, this would be that movie.
Honorable Mentions:
-Die Hard
-Batman Returns
-Scrooged
-Krampus
-Frosty the Snowman
-A Christmas Story
-Elf
-Miracle on 34th Street
-The Nightmare Before Christmas
-Gremlins
-Lethal Weapon
-Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
-A Charlie Brown Christmas
-Christmas Vacation
-Ghostbusters 2
-Bad Santa
What do you think of my list? Did I leave one out?
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